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  Steady

  Nicole Tillman

  Copyright © 2015 Nicole Tillman

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system without written permission of the author.

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, locations, and incidents are either products of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. The author acknowledges the trademarked status and registered trademark owners of all branded names referenced without TM, SM, or ® symbols due to formatting constraints, and is not claiming ownership of or collaboration with said trademark brands. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

  Edited by Lindsey Editing

  Printed in the United States of America

  For Uncle J.B.

  You were taken far too soon.

  So, this one's for you...

  Other Books by Nicole Tillman

  Saving Mercy

  DUPONT Series

  Come Tear Me Down

  Don't Make Me Look

  Please Let Me Stay

  HOPELESS HERITAGE Series

  Secondhand Sapphire

  Temporary Partner

  FORCED HOME Series

  Loving the Cult

  Taming the Cult

  Forgiving the Cult - **Coming 2015**

  Prologue

  A sea of faces stared back at me from the bleachers as I wiped my sweaty palms down the length of my gown. Teachers, friends, family, and at least a hundred plain-faced strangers waited patiently as I swallowed the ball of nerves gathering at the base of my neck. My anxiety threatened to ruin what I'd built up to be the pinnacle of my high school career.

  All I had to do was focus on the index cards sitting in front of me, hone in on the words, and speak. But that was easier said than done, especially since I was alone at the podium with a microphone leveled at my face, ready to project my gravely voice across the crowded gymnasium.

  Taking a deep, uneven breath, I shut my eyes for a beat before clearing my throat and pulling my shoulders back in what I hoped the audience perceived as confidence.

  I'd spent the better part of three months writing my valedictorian speech and had convinced myself it couldn't be less than perfect- not the content nor the delivery. I wouldn't allow it. My overwhelming need for perfection was what had landed me on that stage in the first place. Looking down at my community, my neighbors, and everyone that had had a hand in my life as well as my education, I refused to let them down. And as for my fellow graduates? I refused to be a laughing stock. I refused to fumble, to trip, to do anything that would give them a reason to chide me at the after party or any class reunions to come.

  You can do this... Just breathe.

  “Good evening.” My voice sounded meek even to my own ears. “I know you're expecting me to stand up here and thank each and every person who has ever touched my life or helped mold me into the person I am today, but I don't have the words, nor the time, to express my gratitude. So, to everyone who's helped me or any of my classmates throughout this journey, I say thank you.” I paused to watch the tassels on almost every cap shimmy as my fellow graduates turned their heads to glance at parents or teachers. “Throughout the last year, I've learned just how precious time can be, so I won't bore you with quotes from famous people or personal anecdotes that you don't understand. I would just like to take this time to address my classmates – my friends - one last time.”

  I turned my head to see that my two best friends, Nora and Carter, were both hanging onto my every word, tears shimmering in their eyes. They weren't criers. None of us were. But you only graduate once, and the pressure and nostalgia that accompanies that ceremony can pull emotion from even the most calloused of people. Even Nora, whose dark stare could silence men with a single glance. And even Carter, who aside from being the strongest man I knew, also had the biggest heart.

  “Guys, we've had one hell of a run.” I could see my mother shaking her head at my use of such a distasteful word, but soft laughter murmured through the crowd. “But now it's time to put on our grown up panties and face the real world. The lives we shaped here, together, are over. Forget everything you thought you knew to be fact and accept that when we go our separate ways, life will do whatever it takes to knock us down- to tip the world on it's axis until we're not sure which way is up... but that's when greatness happens. Here, within these walls,” I gestured around the gymnasium, “we made a lot of mistakes. But those mistakes were nothing. If we fell, we had people there to lift us up, dust us off, and send us back on our way. That's not the case anymore. We no longer have that ever-present safety net. When we fall, we'll have to claw our way back up. I know that sounds terrifying, dismal, and maybe even a little depressing, but it's not. Because when we stand back up, when we refuse to let failure drag us away from everything we're fighting so hard to attain- we are showing the world what we're made of. And looking down at all the faces of the people who have surrounded me for the past fourteen years, I see a lot of grit. I see nerve. I see greatness. I see determination.” My voice grew and grew until the speakers were booming and my classmates were hooping and hollering- encouraged by my words. “I see a generation that refuses to back down. A generation of survivors. I see future doctors, teachers, parents, mentors, friends. I see visionaries and artists and romantics. I see the culmination of every hardship we've ever had to endure in our short lives coming to a head- pulling the curtain back to reveal the kind of adults our parents and teachers can be proud of.” I paused to let my voice settle back to a more appropriate tone. “And I see a class that I can be proud of. I'm proud of each and every one of you.” Tears were starting to sting the back of my eyes and I knew I had to wrap my speech up quickly if I didn't want to ruin my mascara. “So, to my classmates, thank you. Thank you for loving and supporting one another, for being outspoken and fighting for what's right, for being a pillar of strength in times of woe, and for giving me a glimpse at what the future holds. At what our futures hold. Because with us behind the wheel, it's bound to be epic. Congratulations and thank you.”

  I breathed a thick sigh of relief as I exited the stage and took my place among the graduates as applause rang out across the room. It was done. My last task as a high schooler was behind me and all I had to do was accept my diploma (or empty envelope, since our actual diplomas would be mailed to us) and that would be the end of it.

  The door to my childhood was closing, and I was all too eager to lock that sucker up tight and move on. I knew college was where it was at for me. That's where I'd really be able to spread my wings. And I was all too eager to jump off that cliff and fly.

  ***

  “That speech kicked some serious ass,” Carter said as we stepped into the elevator. Our graduation party was taking place in a hotel a few blocks away from the school and although there weren't many cars parked outside yet, we hoped it wouldn't be a flop.

  “It did, didn't it?”

  I smiled coyly as Carter and Nora exchanged eye rolls. Normally, I was a humble person, but not after the brutality of that ceremony. I knew that in ten, twenty, even thirty years, I'd be able to look back on this night and be proud of myself.

  The elevator doors opened with a ding and we stepped out into the - surprisingly empty - banquet hall. Instead of a party already in full swing, we were greeted by a small group of our quieter classmates looking nervous and out of place. A buffet of finger foods and desserts lined two walls while the rest of the room was open for dancing and mingling- neither of which were currently taking place.

  Nora's shoulders slumped as her eyes landed on the lone group of five to ten party-goers. “This is...”


  “Pathetic,” Carter finished for her.

  “I was going to say lame, but pathetic works.”

  “Then why are we here?” He asked.

  Carter hadn't wanted to attend the 'party'. He'd been rallying for us to go to Evan Porter's 'Graduation Extravaganza' instead. Evan had graduated two years before us, lived off his father's dime, and used his charm and influence to lure naive high school girls into his bed. He was a parasite in my eyes, but as the stereo system started playing a song from the early nineties, I had to admit I'd rather be throwing back Jell-o shots at his house than enduring this attempted reincarnation of our Jr. High homecoming dance.

  “C'mon.”

  I looped my arms through Nora and Carter's and led them back into the elevator, pressing the button for the ground floor as the doors closed behind us.

  “If you tell me we're going back to your house to play scrabble, I'm going to be pissed,” Nora said.

  “No. We'll find something else to do. Anything but this.”

  “Please say Evan's. Please say Evan's. Please say Evan's,” Carter pleaded with closed eyes. “This is the biggest night of our lives and we're missing the greatest graduation party in the history of graduation parties.”

  “His party could be just as sad as that one.” I jerked my head in the direction of the room we'd just left.

  “Uh uh. Never. Evan's parties never bomb.”

  “What are the alternatives?” Nora asked as she scrolled through her phone. “Oh wait, there aren't any.”

  She was right. There were no alternatives. We lived in a small town a short ways out of Kansas City and if a party was a success it was only because there was nowhere else to be.

  No one else was having a graduation party.

  Just Evan.

  Evan was our last resort.

  Locking eyes with the two people I loved most in the entire world, I cocked an eyebrow and watched as they silently begged me to drop my prejudices for one night and let them have their fun. They wanted a night to remember.

  Well, so did I.

  “Fine.” I grabbed Nora's car keys. “You drink. I'll drive.”

  The elevator swayed as Nora and Carter both did the best version of a happy dance they could do in such a confined space and I fought to keep a smile from exploding across my face. My friends were happy. I was happy. High school was over. The night was just getting started. And I knew that whatever happened, it was bound to be unforgettable because we were together.

  My two giddy friends bounded out into the lobby and made a beeline for the exit as soon as the doors cracked open. Together, they jumped into the back seat like I was some kind of chauffeur instead of the designated driver, which didn't matter, since they hadn't started drinking yet.

  “Onward! To greatness!” Carter yelled.

  “Okay,” I chuckled. “We're going.”

  The level of excitement radiating out of the backseat was starting to seep into me. However, keeping my friends mellowed out was important if I didn't want the night to end with Nora stripping on a kitchen island and Carter breaking his neck doing a keg stand.

  After pulling out of the hotel parking lot and turning onto the main road, I headed in the direction of Evan's party pad. The streets were all but deserted. Everyone in town was either already at a party or at home getting ready for bed. There wasn't much else to do in such a small town.

  “Tunes!” Nora shouted. “I need tunes!”

  “This isn't the nineties,” Carter said. “No one calls them 'tunes' anymore.”

  Nora ignored him as she pushed her way between the front seats and connected her phone to the stereo before starting up her favorite playlist. As the music began, the doors of the car vibrated with the intensity of the bass streaming through the speakers. Nora tossed the phone into the console and kissed my temple before retreating back to her seat.

  “Buckle up,” I yelled over the music.

  “Why? We're almost to the dirt road.”

  I flashed my eyes in the rear view mirror and glared at Carter until he relented.

  “Yes, mother.”

  After clicking my own seat belt into place, I turned off onto one of the many gravel roads leading out of town. Between the bass deafening me and the rattling of Nora's ancient car along the uneven road, I could barely hear myself think. Which is why I almost missed Nora yelling for me to pull over.

  “What's wrong?”

  Asking that particular question was useless since she couldn't hear me, but as I squinted out across everything bathed in the glow of the headlights, I knew why she was shouting.

  Up ahead, a pickup truck with dead headlights was barreling down the road, weaving back and forth, kicking up a whirlwind of dust in its wake.

  I eased on the brakes and pulled off onto the non-existent shoulder, waiting for him to pass, silently praying that he stayed on his side of the road. I held my breath as the giant vehicle charged toward us, never slowing, never stopping, never moving into it's own lane. The black truck weaved in and out of the headlights, blissfully unaware of the small car honking and flashing its lights while the people inside came unglued.

  The music blared.

  A jumbled stream of incoherent words left Carter and Nora's lips.

  The sound of the approaching truck's engine revved to life in my ears.

  The ringing in my ears grew in intensity as fear caused my heart to slam against my rib cage, over and over, like a jackhammer within my chest.

  I was paralyzed as the most terrifying questions I'd ever had to ask showered down around me like broken glass.

  Stop. Please stop. Why won't they stop?

  What happens if they don't stop?

  God, why aren't they slowing down?

  Is this going to hurt?

  Stop!

  Frozen, the only part of me able to move was my heart; my crazed, panicked, terrified, but still-beating heart.

  I didn't move.

  I didn't even blink.

  Everything- the noise, the fear, the insanity blaring all around me- it was all silenced as the car crumpled in around my body and the world went dark.

  Chapter One

  Three Years Later

  Normal people make a wish when they blow out the candles on their birthday cake. Not me. Instead, I filled those five seconds staring at that tiny flicker of fire with words of gratitude. I didn't wish for anything. I gave thanks. Because every year that I was able to celebrate my birthday was a gift.

  I would be stupid to say that my continued existence didn't boil down to pure luck. Or maybe it was fate. Or God. Who really knows? Either way, the universe had given me a second chance in the form of an unlucky organ donor and I vowed to never forget that small act of mercy. Of course, that reminder was a double edged sword.

  I lived.

  Nora and Carter lived.

  Even the drunk driver lived.

  But a stranger died.

  While my mother was wringing her hands in the waiting room, praying for me to make it through, another mother was getting news that her child's life had been taken.

  That reminder hit me in the gut every time I watched my date's eyes linger a little longer than necessary on my chest. Most guys would just be checking out a girl's rack, but that was never the case for me. Guy's didn't get that dreamy, lusty look in their eyes when they rounded second base. Instead, shock or blatant disgust shrouded their faces when they got a good look at the jagged, puckered scar running from my throat down to my belly button.

  During my first year in recovery, I'd met a number of transplant patients, but never any whose scar resembled mine. Most transplants were scheduled, planned- prayed for even. Not mine. When a steering wheel slams through your chest and obliterates your heart, time is of the essence if there's even a sliver of a chance at survival. So, although luck was on my side that night, the physical wreckage would always remain. Even the most skilled surgeon on the planet wouldn't have been able to put me back together in an attractive
fashion, and my surgeon was far from holding that title.

  So, the fact that I survived when I could have very easily been the one getting harvested for organs was not something I took lightly. Ever. I didn't take it lightly when I was wheeled out to my mother's car on my first day out of the hospital, and three years later I still didn't take it lightly. Not after moving four hours away from my family, my childhood home, and the sight of the dusty stretch of gravel road that still made my throat constrict with pain.

  But three years later, I still thought of that night. When my heart would flutter within my ribcage at moments of elation or stress and my head swam with dizzy spells, I would remember. And I would send up a silent thank you.

  My heart wasn't perfect, but it was alive.

  ***

  Missouri State University - particularly it's satellite branch in West Plains - hadn't appealed to me when I first started applying to colleges. However, after everything I'd been through, I wanted nothing more than to be close to my friends and MSU-WP granted that wish.

  Nora was recruited to play volleyball for Missouri State and once Carter got word that she was moving four hours away to a small school where no one knew her name, he soon applied as well. We all relished the idea of a fresh start. Their fresh start just came a year earlier than mine.

  Since I took a year off to recover, Nora had already been assigned a roommate, so my dream of rooming with my best friend at college was shot all to hell. But that was before I met Sydney...

  I beamed at my roomy as I held the door open so she could sneak a bag of ice into our dorm room. Once she was in, I waited for Nora and Veronica to follow. They were doing their best Mission Impossible impressions as they stealthily made their way down the hall, tiptoeing in front of the RA's room while carrying brown paper sacks filled with alcohol and junk food.